adBlockCheck

Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life

CHICAGO—Moments after retiring to a small suburban home, raising three sons, and enjoying a distinguished career as a trial lawyer, local resident Fred Havemeyer was mortified to learn that the zipper of his pants had been down for the past 56 years of his life, sources reported today.

Fred and Margaret Havemeyer celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in April 2007.

"Oh, for crying out loud," the Chicago native said upon realizing he had just spent six decades walking around with his pants undone. "You have got to be kidding me."

Despite trying to reassure himself that "maybe nobody had noticed" that his fly was open during the latter half of the 20th century, Havemeyer only grew more crestfallen the longer he thought about his gaffe.

"You mean, this entire time? On the wrestling team? Vacationing with Margaret and the kids at Lake George? During my first communion?" said Havemeyer, his flushed face buried deep inside his hands. "Oh Christ, the '60s! I just remembered the 1960s."

Added Havemeyer, "Why didn't anyone I have ever known at any point in my life say something?"

Racing to check a series of framed photographs from his wedding day, the civil rights march he helped organize in college, the last time he ever saw his now deceased father, and the time he met former Cubs great Ernie Banks, Havemeyer reportedly spent the next hour slowly shaking his head and swearing beneath his breath.

"Well, I suppose it's not that bad," the 58-year-old said in an attempt to lift his spirits and find solace in the life-spanning blunder. "After all, I've overcome worse setbacks than this before. Like 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to—aw crap, don't tell me it was down during my battle with cancer, too!"

Havemeyer said that the embarrassing mistake must have occurred after leaving the bathroom a half century ago. Busy attending his high school prom, serving two tours of duty in Vietnam, purchasing his first car, running for city council, teaching his kids how to zip up their pants, and growing old with his wife, Havemeyer claimed he never thought of checking to see if his fly was down until earlier this afternoon.

"I guess I assumed it was closed," he said.

Although he is now nervous about running into any of the roughly 370,000 people he's ever met, Havemeyer said that the discovery of his open zipper does clear up a number of niggling questions he's had over the years.

"It all makes sense now," he said. "The way people kept telling me to 'close the ol' barn door' even though I'd never worked on a farm, the constant giggling inquiries into my fear of heights, my resounding success delivering best-man speeches, the 26 misdemeanors I've been charged with for public indecency. It all adds up."

"My nickname of 'Fly-Down Freddy' also seems a lot more on the money now," Havemeyer added.

Despite his embarrassment, the retiree said he still believes it is important to maintain a sense of humor about the incident.

"In the end, you need to be able to laugh at yourself," Havemeyer told reporters. "There's no use getting all bent out of shape over one silly mistake."

Havemeyer then chuckled to himself, revealing a giant piece of spinach he's had lodged between his front two teeth since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close