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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Man Realizes Fly Has Been Down For Entire Life

CHICAGO—Moments after retiring to a small suburban home, raising three sons, and enjoying a distinguished career as a trial lawyer, local resident Fred Havemeyer was mortified to learn that the zipper of his pants had been down for the past 56 years of his life, sources reported today.

Fred and Margaret Havemeyer celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in April 2007.

"Oh, for crying out loud," the Chicago native said upon realizing he had just spent six decades walking around with his pants undone. "You have got to be kidding me."

Despite trying to reassure himself that "maybe nobody had noticed" that his fly was open during the latter half of the 20th century, Havemeyer only grew more crestfallen the longer he thought about his gaffe.

"You mean, this entire time? On the wrestling team? Vacationing with Margaret and the kids at Lake George? During my first communion?" said Havemeyer, his flushed face buried deep inside his hands. "Oh Christ, the '60s! I just remembered the 1960s."

Added Havemeyer, "Why didn't anyone I have ever known at any point in my life say something?"

Racing to check a series of framed photographs from his wedding day, the civil rights march he helped organize in college, the last time he ever saw his now deceased father, and the time he met former Cubs great Ernie Banks, Havemeyer reportedly spent the next hour slowly shaking his head and swearing beneath his breath.

"Well, I suppose it's not that bad," the 58-year-old said in an attempt to lift his spirits and find solace in the life-spanning blunder. "After all, I've overcome worse setbacks than this before. Like 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and had to—aw crap, don't tell me it was down during my battle with cancer, too!"

Havemeyer said that the embarrassing mistake must have occurred after leaving the bathroom a half century ago. Busy attending his high school prom, serving two tours of duty in Vietnam, purchasing his first car, running for city council, teaching his kids how to zip up their pants, and growing old with his wife, Havemeyer claimed he never thought of checking to see if his fly was down until earlier this afternoon.

"I guess I assumed it was closed," he said.

Although he is now nervous about running into any of the roughly 370,000 people he's ever met, Havemeyer said that the discovery of his open zipper does clear up a number of niggling questions he's had over the years.

"It all makes sense now," he said. "The way people kept telling me to 'close the ol' barn door' even though I'd never worked on a farm, the constant giggling inquiries into my fear of heights, my resounding success delivering best-man speeches, the 26 misdemeanors I've been charged with for public indecency. It all adds up."

"My nickname of 'Fly-Down Freddy' also seems a lot more on the money now," Havemeyer added.

Despite his embarrassment, the retiree said he still believes it is important to maintain a sense of humor about the incident.

"In the end, you need to be able to laugh at yourself," Havemeyer told reporters. "There's no use getting all bent out of shape over one silly mistake."

Havemeyer then chuckled to himself, revealing a giant piece of spinach he's had lodged between his front two teeth since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

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