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Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something

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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something

Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.
Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.

LINTON, IN—Startled upon realizing he had a genuine interest and viewpoint concerning education reform, local man Greg Woodry told reporters Tuesday that it seemed as if he had begun, ever so slightly, to stand for something.

Woodry, a 34-year-old account manager who until now has lived his life with considerable ambivalence toward major social or political issues, said he has been taken aback by the sense of engagement suddenly arising within him.

“I’m starting to think I have a real opinion about something,” said Woodry, expressing genuine shock that the point of view had thus far lasted several weeks and showed no signs of deteriorating. “I’ve got thoughts on an issue, and then I have some information to back those thoughts up. It’s weird.”

“I mean, I read a few articles online all the way through, even a couple of really long ones. And I almost left a comment a few times, too,” Woodry added. “It’s kind of crazy, but I think I actually care about the issue.”

Woodry told reporters he was recently amazed to discover that he not only found a cable news roundtable on the subject coherent but also took a side in the discussion, an unprecedented level of intellectual involvement for the man who admitted he “[doesn’t] really follow” most matters outside his day-to-day life.

“I knew what the people on TV were talking about, even the ones I disagreed with,” said Woodry, noting with astonishment that he felt interested in continuing to watch the televised dialogue instead of flipping to something less mentally demanding. “I not only understood a lot of what I was hearing, but sometimes a response would pop into my head automatically without me having to think about it. I even got a little angry at something someone was saying. Jeez, that’s never happened to me before.”

With the exception of a single “like” on a relevant Facebook post, Woodry has reportedly been content to keep his emerging convictions to himself thus far. The man who had never previously identified with any particular cause or social movement suggested, however, that he was open to stating his nascent beliefs to others, perhaps even going so far as to say why he holds such beliefs.

“I’m actually at a point where I kind of hope a conversation will naturally drift toward the issue because now I’ve got stuff to say,” said Woodry, who acknowledged that he had not yet gone so far as to prod a conversation in that direction but noted that he was considering doing so. “The thing is, I would be happy to talk about this issue. I’d even say I want to talk about it.”

“If this keeps up, I might just flat-out tell people that this thing matters to me,” Woodry continued.

In fact, Woodry told reporters that given the completely unexpected nature of his first substantive viewpoint, he wondered if he might suddenly develop earnest opinions on other issues when he least suspected it.

“I really didn’t plan to be informed about this issue, so who knows if I’ll start having thoughts on other topics, too?” Woodry said. “I guess this could just keep going and going. Man, how many things can you be concerned about? A hundred? A thousand?”

“Jesus, where does this end?” Woodry added.

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