adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something

Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.
Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.

LINTON, IN—Startled upon realizing he had a genuine interest and viewpoint concerning education reform, local man Greg Woodry told reporters Tuesday that it seemed as if he had begun, ever so slightly, to stand for something.

Woodry, a 34-year-old account manager who until now has lived his life with considerable ambivalence toward major social or political issues, said he has been taken aback by the sense of engagement suddenly arising within him.

“I’m starting to think I have a real opinion about something,” said Woodry, expressing genuine shock that the point of view had thus far lasted several weeks and showed no signs of deteriorating. “I’ve got thoughts on an issue, and then I have some information to back those thoughts up. It’s weird.”

“I mean, I read a few articles online all the way through, even a couple of really long ones. And I almost left a comment a few times, too,” Woodry added. “It’s kind of crazy, but I think I actually care about the issue.”

Woodry told reporters he was recently amazed to discover that he not only found a cable news roundtable on the subject coherent but also took a side in the discussion, an unprecedented level of intellectual involvement for the man who admitted he “[doesn’t] really follow” most matters outside his day-to-day life.

“I knew what the people on TV were talking about, even the ones I disagreed with,” said Woodry, noting with astonishment that he felt interested in continuing to watch the televised dialogue instead of flipping to something less mentally demanding. “I not only understood a lot of what I was hearing, but sometimes a response would pop into my head automatically without me having to think about it. I even got a little angry at something someone was saying. Jeez, that’s never happened to me before.”

With the exception of a single “like” on a relevant Facebook post, Woodry has reportedly been content to keep his emerging convictions to himself thus far. The man who had never previously identified with any particular cause or social movement suggested, however, that he was open to stating his nascent beliefs to others, perhaps even going so far as to say why he holds such beliefs.

“I’m actually at a point where I kind of hope a conversation will naturally drift toward the issue because now I’ve got stuff to say,” said Woodry, who acknowledged that he had not yet gone so far as to prod a conversation in that direction but noted that he was considering doing so. “The thing is, I would be happy to talk about this issue. I’d even say I want to talk about it.”

“If this keeps up, I might just flat-out tell people that this thing matters to me,” Woodry continued.

In fact, Woodry told reporters that given the completely unexpected nature of his first substantive viewpoint, he wondered if he might suddenly develop earnest opinions on other issues when he least suspected it.

“I really didn’t plan to be informed about this issue, so who knows if I’ll start having thoughts on other topics, too?” Woodry said. “I guess this could just keep going and going. Man, how many things can you be concerned about? A hundred? A thousand?”

“Jesus, where does this end?” Woodry added.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close