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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something

Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.
Woodry says he was stunned to realize that he not only identifies with a particular side of a specific issue, but that he could name reasons why he is on that side.

LINTON, IN—Startled upon realizing he had a genuine interest and viewpoint concerning education reform, local man Greg Woodry told reporters Tuesday that it seemed as if he had begun, ever so slightly, to stand for something.

Woodry, a 34-year-old account manager who until now has lived his life with considerable ambivalence toward major social or political issues, said he has been taken aback by the sense of engagement suddenly arising within him.

“I’m starting to think I have a real opinion about something,” said Woodry, expressing genuine shock that the point of view had thus far lasted several weeks and showed no signs of deteriorating. “I’ve got thoughts on an issue, and then I have some information to back those thoughts up. It’s weird.”

“I mean, I read a few articles online all the way through, even a couple of really long ones. And I almost left a comment a few times, too,” Woodry added. “It’s kind of crazy, but I think I actually care about the issue.”

Woodry told reporters he was recently amazed to discover that he not only found a cable news roundtable on the subject coherent but also took a side in the discussion, an unprecedented level of intellectual involvement for the man who admitted he “[doesn’t] really follow” most matters outside his day-to-day life.

“I knew what the people on TV were talking about, even the ones I disagreed with,” said Woodry, noting with astonishment that he felt interested in continuing to watch the televised dialogue instead of flipping to something less mentally demanding. “I not only understood a lot of what I was hearing, but sometimes a response would pop into my head automatically without me having to think about it. I even got a little angry at something someone was saying. Jeez, that’s never happened to me before.”

With the exception of a single “like” on a relevant Facebook post, Woodry has reportedly been content to keep his emerging convictions to himself thus far. The man who had never previously identified with any particular cause or social movement suggested, however, that he was open to stating his nascent beliefs to others, perhaps even going so far as to say why he holds such beliefs.

“I’m actually at a point where I kind of hope a conversation will naturally drift toward the issue because now I’ve got stuff to say,” said Woodry, who acknowledged that he had not yet gone so far as to prod a conversation in that direction but noted that he was considering doing so. “The thing is, I would be happy to talk about this issue. I’d even say I want to talk about it.”

“If this keeps up, I might just flat-out tell people that this thing matters to me,” Woodry continued.

In fact, Woodry told reporters that given the completely unexpected nature of his first substantive viewpoint, he wondered if he might suddenly develop earnest opinions on other issues when he least suspected it.

“I really didn’t plan to be informed about this issue, so who knows if I’ll start having thoughts on other topics, too?” Woodry said. “I guess this could just keep going and going. Man, how many things can you be concerned about? A hundred? A thousand?”

“Jesus, where does this end?” Woodry added.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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