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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Realizes He Has No Interests

PALM COAST, FL—After attempting to fill out his personal profile on an Internet dating site, area resident Sam Stanger came to the conclusion Monday that he had no discernible interests, hobbies, or meaningful distractions to speak of. "I used to enjoy building birdhouses, but that was more than 20 years ago," Stanger said. "I don't know. TV, I guess?" Stanger reportedly plans to wander aimlessly around a local hobby shop this week until something sparks his interest.

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