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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Realizes He Shouldn't Have Told Girl On Phone He Was Taking Dump

GRANBURY, TX–Moments after ending an on-the-toilet phone conversation with a female friend, Bruce Halpern realized Monday that his candor regarding his whereabouts may have been ill-advised. "That was dumb," Halpern said to himself following the call. "I've told lots of guy friends that I was taking a dump while talking to them, but Julie seemed pretty grossed out." Halpern made a mental note to explain the echo effect in future phone calls by saying he is in the garage.

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