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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet

LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he pleasured himself using only still images from the Internet. "The online world moved slower back then," Barchuk said as he flicked wistfully through the seven browser tabs of hardcore video pornography he had going at once. "Time was, you'd log onto AOL and wait three or four minutes for a fuzzy screen grab of Phoebe Cates from Fast Times to load—a new line of pixels appearing every few seconds—and you'd really take your time with it. Now there's no imagination to it, no art." At press time, Barchuk sighed and glumly ejaculated.

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