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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Recalls Simpler Time When He Only Masturbated To Still Images On Internet

LEXINGTON, KY—As a video of two women fellating a man streamed on his laptop, 36-year-old Timothy Barchuk reminisced Monday about a simpler time when he pleasured himself using only still images from the Internet. "The online world moved slower back then," Barchuk said as he flicked wistfully through the seven browser tabs of hardcore video pornography he had going at once. "Time was, you'd log onto AOL and wait three or four minutes for a fuzzy screen grab of Phoebe Cates from Fast Times to load—a new line of pixels appearing every few seconds—and you'd really take your time with it. Now there's no imagination to it, no art." At press time, Barchuk sighed and glumly ejaculated.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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