adBlockCheck

Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Receives First-Ever Mouse-Heart Transplant

MILWAUKEE, WI–In the first operation of its kind, doctors at St. Luke's Medical Center successfully transplanted a mouse heart into a human Tuesday.

Surgeons replace Raymond Calvecchia's ailing heart with one from a healthy mouse.

Hospital officials are calling the procedure "a complete success."

"The patient is recuperating nicely," chief cardiologist Dr. Alex Sutin told reporters. "We are confident he will be able to enjoy a long, happy life, just as long as he doesn't overexert himself by, say, attempting to walk."

The patient, 58-year-old Beloit, WI, bus driver Raymond Calvecchia, was diagnosed last month with a rare degenerative heart condition known as idiopathic dilated cardiomyopathy. He was not expected to live another eight weeks without a donor heart, Sutin said.

"We searched every database for a suitable human donor," said Sutin, who performed the groundbreaking operation, "but none could be found. In the end, we decided to go with a compatible mouse."

"Mice have very clear arteries," Sutin noted.

Though the nine-hour procedure was ultimately successful, some difficulties arose during surgery. "We ran into problems when it came time to graft Mr. Calvecchia's aorta onto the organ," Sutin said. "The heart kept falling into the aortal opening and had to be fished out with forceps."

Dr. Albert Ozawa examines the mouse heart prior to surgery.

Calvecchia is awake and alert, but he could not address the media, as doctors have cautioned him against movement of any kind for the rest of his life.

"His heart is already pounding like a jackhammer at a rate of approximately 1,100 beats per minute," Sutin said. "His family has advised the nursing staff what TV shows he prefers, as changing the channels or requesting that it be done could induce a massive coronary."

Due to the rate of cardiac excitement that could result, Calvecchia is not permitted to watch news, sports or comedy shows of any kind. The only programming he is allowed to have on is cable-access city-council meetings and UPN's The Sentinel.

The operation is being hailed as the biggest breakthrough in interspecies transplants since October 1995, when doctors at New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital implanted a Brooklyn man with a hamster liver. Though the procedure was initially successful, the liver developed terminal cirrhosis when the patient used an alcohol-based mouthwash.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close