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Travel

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Keeping Your Possessions Safe While Traveling

Traveling during the summer can be fun and exhilarating, but nothing ruins a trip like getting your possessions stolen. Whether you’re hiking, road-tripping, or relaxing at a resort, here are some tips for making sure your items are safe during your travels:

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Spring Break Safety Tips

Spring break is an opportunity for many college students to travel, party, and make memories with their friends, but it can also lead to problems if people aren’t careful.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips

Whether you’re rerouting canceled flights or changing destinations on the fly, nothing can be more stressful during the holidays than making travel arrangements at the last minute.

New National Park Caters To Business Travelers

PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared spe...

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Busch Gardens Unveils New 9,600-Mile-Long Endurance Coaster

TAMPA, FL—Marking a bold new direction in amusement ride innovation, representatives from Busch Gardens officially opened a 9,600-mile-long mega-coaster Thursday designed to push the limits of human endurance. According to park officials, the Stamin...

Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop

DENTON, TX—Stressing that they were there solely to purchase gasoline and use the bathroom if necessary, area dad Mike Whitcomb clarified while pulling into a travel plaza Thursday that this was not a food stop.

Planning The Perfect Road Trip

With summer fast approaching, many people are planning long car trips to visit tourist attractions, see old friends, or simply hit the open road.

Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, househol...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Germ-Free Haven!

Tired of trying to stay clean all the time? Try this completely germ-free dwelling in the heart of the Arctic Circle, where no germs can survive!

Under The Porch

Listen to the soothing sounds of conversations with people who don’t know you can hear them while sitting on an old tarp near some cinderblocks.
End Of Section
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Travel

Man Returns To Place Of Birth To Mate

When it came time to procreate, the adult male was drawn by some mysterious force back to his hometown, above.
When it came time to procreate, the adult male was drawn by some mysterious force back to his hometown, above.

TWIN FALLS, ID—In one of nature's most stirring and mysterious rituals, human male Michael Forrester journeyed back to his place of birth Monday in order to pair off, reproduce, and ensure the propagation of his species.

The 670-mile-long voyage, one almost as old as time itself, began late last week. According to sources, the adult male left his studio apartment in downtown San Francisco and—overcoming a series of challenging obstacles—returned to Twin Falls, ID, the town where he himself was spawned 28 years ago.

Michael Forrester, Human Male

"Each year thousands of men are drawn back, as if by instinct alone, to their native breeding grounds," said Jeremy Weinblatt, a professor of social sciences at Reed College in Portland, OR. "Defying all odds, these astounding creatures are able to find the exact location of their hometown, often without the use of driving directions, a roadside map, or pulling over at a gas station to ask for assistance."

With his readiness to mate signaled by a loss of hair around the crown and a swelling of the abdomen, Forrester set out on his arduous trek early Thursday morning. As he left the coast and traveled inland, the sexually mature male navigated his way through a complex system of interconnected streets onto an adjoining highway headed north.

Throughout the first leg of his journey, the nearly 200-pound man reportedly sustained his strength by foraging on any available foodstuffs, including a McDonald's cheeseburger and a 10-piece container of chicken nuggets. Abandoning both work and school to make this final trip back to his ancestral home, Forrester—like his father, grandfather, and older cousin Brian before him—deftly avoided the snare of roadside attractions to reach Twin Falls before summer's end.

Even seemingly insurmountable hurdles, such as the lack of "decent radio stations" to help pass the time, a deflated back tire, and an array of confusing highway signs, were no match for the virile human. His biological desire to mate was stronger now than ever.

"Human males are perhaps the most resilient and single-minded of all organisms on the planet," said Dr. David Wright, a biologist and professor at Kent State University in Kent, OH. "No distance is too great, no barrier too high when it comes to passing on their genetic makeup. They always find a way to persevere."

Added Wright, "Just ask my wife."

As the adult male entered the last leg of his incredible voyage, hundreds of human females—many of whom had spent their entire lives anticipating this very courtship—had already begun to make the necessary preparations back home. Displaying exotic markings on their lower back, and a deep shade of red around the oral cavity, the females were also observed to secrete an alluring, lavender-scented musk to encourage the coupling.

Along with dozens of other excited males, Forrester reached the entrance of Twin Falls late Monday night. Though exhausted by his perilous journey, the 28-year-old was spurred onward by the sight of several ovulating women who had gathered along the fringes of town.

Locating a pleasing specimen at a nearby watering hole, Forrester reportedly gauged the width of her hips, the sheen and luster of her hair, and how much alcohol she had already consumed before choosing his partner for procreation. Once initial contact was made and their shared interest in music discussed, the two humans were ready to reproduce.

A passionate and sensual dance, the human mating ritual is performed thousands of times each year, from the rolling hills of California to the lowly motel rooms of New York state. According to experts, Forrester initiated the seductive dance by rapidly shedding his outer coverings, jutting his tongue out in a broad, wagging motion, and maneuvering his sweat-covered midsection above that of the human female.

After emitting a series of aural signals, including half a dozen forceful grunts, the red-faced male reportedly discharged a stringy and translucent fluid, thereby fertilizing his partner's reproductive tract.

"It's beautiful," said one nearby observer who wished to remain anonymous. "I never tire of watching these majestic creatures breed."

Over the course of the next few months, the fertilized female will ready herself for the eventual birth of her offspring. After procuring a larger, more comfortable nest, she will store several layers of fat to help speed up incubation and, in order to secure the constant attention of her mate, will alternate between crying and laughing until the moment of delivery. The inseminated female will also shriek several times a day about how her partner's family should pay for the upcoming wedding in full, though the biological purpose behind this ritual is unknown.

His genetic lineage now ensured, Forrester starts a new and incredible journey of his own. The adult male, who traveled hundreds of miles just weeks before, begins to die on the inside. Slowly and surely, until he is nothing more than a brittle husk—one filled with resentment, regret, and a longing for the time before he married the first woman who came along.

But then, that's nature's way.

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