adBlockCheck

Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

Top Headlines

Local

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

CLEVELAND—Passengers aboard a northbound number 67 bus were reportedly filled with delight and joy Monday as they watched a fellow resident run helplessly after the rapidly departing vehicle.

Bus riders happily observe the sprinting, flailing man.

The endlessly uplifting and entertaining chase, which took place between 8:23 a.m. and 8:25 a.m., began shortly after the Cleveland-area bus pulled away from its Sixth Avenue stop. According to passengers, it was then that they first noticed a large unidentified man in a business suit running in complete desperation to catch up with the bus.

"He was actually moving pretty fast," said Donald Schoemeyer, one of roughly a dozen passengers whose spirits were lifted by the hulking, heavily sweating man. "Even when it was clear that there was no way he was going to make it, he still kept running after us."

"I guess he really needed to get on that bus," added Schoemeyer, a faint smile forming on his lips.

Reports indicate that a number of factors contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle. Among them, the fact that the man was not in very good physical shape, an indication that the act of running was in all likelihood his last recourse; the black briefcase the man was carrying at the time of his amusing chase, which not only added weight to his already cumbersome frame, but also suggested he was trying to be on time for some important business meeting; and lastly, the growing improbability that the man was ever going to reach the speeding bus.

"His face was getting all sorts of red," said Cleveland resident Roberta Washington, who sat inches away from one of 15 stop-request buttons and watched the whole frantic pursuit from her seat. "You could tell he was yelling something from the way his mouth kept on moving, and the way he was waving that one arm all around."

"Heh," Washington continued. "He was waving that arm pretty good."

According to public transportation sources, the morning commute aboard the number 67 bus is generally unremarkable and monotonous, with commuters sitting in silence and dreading another long, hard day of work. The appearance of the running, wildly gesticulating man, however, instantly altered the mood aboard the bus, bringing with it a kind of levity and cheerfulness not experienced in weeks.

"At first, I thought I was the only one who saw him, but then I turned around and there were like six other people also grinning to themselves," said Michael Schwarz, who takes the 67 every morning. "It was just this really nice moment we all got to share together."

Those on the bus weren't the only ones warmed upon sight of the increasingly exhausted man. Pedestrians and motorists along Sixth Avenue were also afforded a brief moment of joy after seeing the panting man momentarily trip, spill his coffee on the sidewalk, and then look up in despair as the bus sped further and further away from him.

Roughly one minute into the chase, when it appeared that the now-kneeling man had finally given up, and that no additional pleasure would be brought to the enthralled passengers, a serendipitous event took place. Witnesses at the corner of Howard Road and Davies Avenue reported that a red traffic light finally brought the speeding bus to a stop, allowing the delightful man one last opportunity to catch up.

"Believe it or not, that poor bastard actually got to his feet again and started running our way," said city worker Jerome Turner, who claimed that he had been rooting for the man the entire time. "He almost made it, too. But then the light turned green and, you know how it is, I just had to keep driving."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close