Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Man Running After Bus Delights Bus Occupants

CLEVELAND—Passengers aboard a northbound number 67 bus were reportedly filled with delight and joy Monday as they watched a fellow resident run helplessly after the rapidly departing vehicle.

Bus riders happily observe the sprinting, flailing man.

The endlessly uplifting and entertaining chase, which took place between 8:23 a.m. and 8:25 a.m., began shortly after the Cleveland-area bus pulled away from its Sixth Avenue stop. According to passengers, it was then that they first noticed a large unidentified man in a business suit running in complete desperation to catch up with the bus.

"He was actually moving pretty fast," said Donald Schoemeyer, one of roughly a dozen passengers whose spirits were lifted by the hulking, heavily sweating man. "Even when it was clear that there was no way he was going to make it, he still kept running after us."

"I guess he really needed to get on that bus," added Schoemeyer, a faint smile forming on his lips.

Reports indicate that a number of factors contributed to the overall feeling of joy among those lucky enough to witness the spectacle. Among them, the fact that the man was not in very good physical shape, an indication that the act of running was in all likelihood his last recourse; the black briefcase the man was carrying at the time of his amusing chase, which not only added weight to his already cumbersome frame, but also suggested he was trying to be on time for some important business meeting; and lastly, the growing improbability that the man was ever going to reach the speeding bus.

"His face was getting all sorts of red," said Cleveland resident Roberta Washington, who sat inches away from one of 15 stop-request buttons and watched the whole frantic pursuit from her seat. "You could tell he was yelling something from the way his mouth kept on moving, and the way he was waving that one arm all around."

"Heh," Washington continued. "He was waving that arm pretty good."

According to public transportation sources, the morning commute aboard the number 67 bus is generally unremarkable and monotonous, with commuters sitting in silence and dreading another long, hard day of work. The appearance of the running, wildly gesticulating man, however, instantly altered the mood aboard the bus, bringing with it a kind of levity and cheerfulness not experienced in weeks.

"At first, I thought I was the only one who saw him, but then I turned around and there were like six other people also grinning to themselves," said Michael Schwarz, who takes the 67 every morning. "It was just this really nice moment we all got to share together."

Those on the bus weren't the only ones warmed upon sight of the increasingly exhausted man. Pedestrians and motorists along Sixth Avenue were also afforded a brief moment of joy after seeing the panting man momentarily trip, spill his coffee on the sidewalk, and then look up in despair as the bus sped further and further away from him.

Roughly one minute into the chase, when it appeared that the now-kneeling man had finally given up, and that no additional pleasure would be brought to the enthralled passengers, a serendipitous event took place. Witnesses at the corner of Howard Road and Davies Avenue reported that a red traffic light finally brought the speeding bus to a stop, allowing the delightful man one last opportunity to catch up.

"Believe it or not, that poor bastard actually got to his feet again and started running our way," said city worker Jerome Turner, who claimed that he had been rooting for the man the entire time. "He almost made it, too. But then the light turned green and, you know how it is, I just had to keep driving."

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