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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her

CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her. “Wow, he’s probably rushing to get to that train because he truly knows how much he needs her now, and it’ll be too late to tell her once it pulls away,” said commuter Lauren Greene, adding that she couldn’t help but be moved by the way the panicked man pushed through the crowd presumably to tell the girl of his dreams that he’ll never, ever leave her side again. “She must mean everything to him, judging by the way he’s banging on the doors and shouting at the train conductor to let him inside. I guess I’d be cursing up a storm too if I had just one chance to undo the biggest mistake of my life.” At press time, Sayer was screaming in rage as the train disappeared down the tracks, but onlookers said he’d be smiling the moment he realized she never even got on that train because she loved him just as much.

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