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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Running Toward Departing Train Must Have Finally Realized He Loves Her

CHICAGO—Sprinting down the platform and frantically waving his arms, local man Dustin Sayer was reportedly running toward a departing train Wednesday because he must have finally realized he loves her. “Wow, he’s probably rushing to get to that train because he truly knows how much he needs her now, and it’ll be too late to tell her once it pulls away,” said commuter Lauren Greene, adding that she couldn’t help but be moved by the way the panicked man pushed through the crowd presumably to tell the girl of his dreams that he’ll never, ever leave her side again. “She must mean everything to him, judging by the way he’s banging on the doors and shouting at the train conductor to let him inside. I guess I’d be cursing up a storm too if I had just one chance to undo the biggest mistake of my life.” At press time, Sayer was screaming in rage as the train disappeared down the tracks, but onlookers said he’d be smiling the moment he realized she never even got on that train because she loved him just as much.

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