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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Sneaks In Mid-Snack Nibble

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Local man Gary Crawford reportedly sneaked in a quick mid-snack nibble Thursday, devouring an Oreo cookie to pacify an intense craving the 46-year-old experienced while munching from a box of Cheez-It crackers. "I started feeling hungry between chews and had a hankering for something sweet, so I figured slipping an Oreo in there might just hit the spot," Crawford said. "It definitely helped tide me over until the next handful of Cheez-Its." Crawford confirmed that after finishing the crackers he enjoyed a post-snack pork-out by gnawing on a summer sausage.

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