Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex

Top Headlines


Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex

Graney, above, has suffered no injuries or illnesses that might account for his shortfall.
Graney, above, has suffered no injuries or illnesses that might account for his shortfall.

ATLANTA—Despite having more than a decade of experience and being in fairly good physical shape, 32-year-old publisher's assistant Peter Graney told reporters Tuesday that he is inexplicably getting worse at sex.

"I don't get it," Graney said following an awkward evening of intercourse with a coworker he has dated for the past two months. "At this point in my life, I thought I'd be able to please a woman every time, no problem, but it's actually quite the opposite."

"It doesn't make any sense," Graney continued. "I'm starting to think I might have been better at this whole thing back in high school."

While Graney has come up with a number of possible explanations for his noticeable decline—including work-related stress, lack of interest in his last few partners, and an as-yet unknown phenomenon whereby a sexually active man loses all former prowess in the bedroom for no apparent reason—he has thus far ruled each of them out.

"It's not like I'm rusty or something," Graney said. "Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I feel like I used to get in there and really go for it. But when I have sex these days, it's all stilted and weird. I'm just so confused. All I know is, I'm definitely not getting any better."

Graney, who has noticed a slow but steady drop in his coital skills over the past six years, maintained that he has no illusions about becoming "some kind of sex master." Still, the Atlanta native said he longs to attain a certain level of consistency and competence when it comes to carrying out the act of intercourse.

Sadly, past experiences indicate that this may never be the case.

"After doing it for so long, it stands to reason that I'd eventually get a handle on how things are going to go," Graney said. "But it varies wildly. There are times when even I'm thinking 'When is this going to be over?' It's like I can't finish up to save my life."

"And by now, you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about ejaculating too soon," Graney continued. "But nope. Every so often, I still totally jump the gun. When will I get some kind of control over this? I'm not trying to be Sting or anything, but Jesus Christ."

Graney cited other declining abilities, most notably in the arena of foreplay. By his estimate, the frequency with which he has been asked to stop performing cunnilingus or some other preliminary sex act due to his partner's physical discomfort has increased 22 percent over the past three years. Likewise, Graney's ability to appear comfortable and confident while being pleasured by his partner has decreased dramatically.

"I certainly don't remember ever having to apologize this much," he said.

According to Graney, the problem does not stem from a lack of discourse in the bedroom. In fact, he said he is adamant about keeping the lines of communication open with women he is penetrating.

"I'm always asking, 'Do you like that?' or 'How does that feel?' Way more than I used to," said Graney, adding that he now believes less than a third of his sexual encounters over the past 18 months were satisfying to the women involved. "But really, can you trust their answers to those questions, especially while it's all going down?"

Though Graney remains certain that his carnal aptitude has diminished, a survey of all nine of his former sexual partners revealed that he has exhibited more or less the same level of sexual ability over the past 10 years.

"I really couldn't tell you if he's getting worse or not," said a woman who slept with the Atlanta resident nearly four years ago and wished to remain anonymous. "It was so bad the first time, I wasn't about to stick around for more."