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Man Somehow Getting Worse At Sex

Graney, above, has suffered no injuries or illnesses that might account for his shortfall.
Graney, above, has suffered no injuries or illnesses that might account for his shortfall.

ATLANTA—Despite having more than a decade of experience and being in fairly good physical shape, 32-year-old publisher's assistant Peter Graney told reporters Tuesday that he is inexplicably getting worse at sex.

"I don't get it," Graney said following an awkward evening of intercourse with a coworker he has dated for the past two months. "At this point in my life, I thought I'd be able to please a woman every time, no problem, but it's actually quite the opposite."

"It doesn't make any sense," Graney continued. "I'm starting to think I might have been better at this whole thing back in high school."

While Graney has come up with a number of possible explanations for his noticeable decline—including work-related stress, lack of interest in his last few partners, and an as-yet unknown phenomenon whereby a sexually active man loses all former prowess in the bedroom for no apparent reason—he has thus far ruled each of them out.

"It's not like I'm rusty or something," Graney said. "Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I feel like I used to get in there and really go for it. But when I have sex these days, it's all stilted and weird. I'm just so confused. All I know is, I'm definitely not getting any better."

Graney, who has noticed a slow but steady drop in his coital skills over the past six years, maintained that he has no illusions about becoming "some kind of sex master." Still, the Atlanta native said he longs to attain a certain level of consistency and competence when it comes to carrying out the act of intercourse.

Sadly, past experiences indicate that this may never be the case.

"After doing it for so long, it stands to reason that I'd eventually get a handle on how things are going to go," Graney said. "But it varies wildly. There are times when even I'm thinking 'When is this going to be over?' It's like I can't finish up to save my life."

"And by now, you'd think I wouldn't have to worry about ejaculating too soon," Graney continued. "But nope. Every so often, I still totally jump the gun. When will I get some kind of control over this? I'm not trying to be Sting or anything, but Jesus Christ."

Graney cited other declining abilities, most notably in the arena of foreplay. By his estimate, the frequency with which he has been asked to stop performing cunnilingus or some other preliminary sex act due to his partner's physical discomfort has increased 22 percent over the past three years. Likewise, Graney's ability to appear comfortable and confident while being pleasured by his partner has decreased dramatically.

"I certainly don't remember ever having to apologize this much," he said.

According to Graney, the problem does not stem from a lack of discourse in the bedroom. In fact, he said he is adamant about keeping the lines of communication open with women he is penetrating.

"I'm always asking, 'Do you like that?' or 'How does that feel?' Way more than I used to," said Graney, adding that he now believes less than a third of his sexual encounters over the past 18 months were satisfying to the women involved. "But really, can you trust their answers to those questions, especially while it's all going down?"

Though Graney remains certain that his carnal aptitude has diminished, a survey of all nine of his former sexual partners revealed that he has exhibited more or less the same level of sexual ability over the past 10 years.

"I really couldn't tell you if he's getting worse or not," said a woman who slept with the Atlanta resident nearly four years ago and wished to remain anonymous. "It was so bad the first time, I wasn't about to stick around for more."

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