adBlockCheck

Local

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus

CHICAGO—Despite a lack of divine intervention by the Son of God or any other higher power, area man Tom Wendt has somehow managed to overcome his alcoholism, sources confirmed Friday. "It was causing so many problems at work and with my family that I decided to stop drinking before it ruined my life," said Wendt, who credited his own willpower, a desire to better himself as a human being, and not Jesus Christ for the otherwise inexplicable recovery. "It hasn't been easy, but I took a hard look at myself and made some important lifestyle changes. I'm sober almost three months now, and I never could have done it without [wife and non-supernatural-entity] Susan." Reached for comment, Wendt's aunt Clara, who spent years praying for her nephew, remained steadfast in her insistence that Jesus most likely had something to do with it.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close