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Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

WILMORE, KY—Transfixed to the point of neglecting his personal hygiene and social obligations, local 33-year-old Matt Friesen reportedly spent the entire three-day weekend binge-watching his neighbor. “I didn’t have much going on, so I decided to take advantage of the long weekend and do nothing but watch my neighbor for three straight days,” said the bleary-eyed Friesen, adding that he frequently delayed eating meals and sleeping to indulge in his marathon viewing session of the woman who lives next door to him. “At one point, I must have watched my neighbor for 10 straight hours—I just couldn’t pull myself away from the window. But I really got into it, and it’s easy to enjoy once you get completely immersed in her world. It can be boring at times, but if you stick with it, the payoff is great.” After his weekend binge-viewing, Friesen admitted there remained a number of unresolved questions about his neighbor and stated that he would continue to closely follow her to “see where she goes.”

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