Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 07

Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat

Delighted health insurance executives gather in an outdoor coliseum to watch a patient battle cancer, Anderson Cooper decides to keep his recent gay conversion therapy private, and a self-conscious flasher is fully clothed under his trench coat.

Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25

A recent study on retirees found that most people make their most important or life-changing memories before age 25, with subjects listing life transitions such as marriage and having children as their most important moments in life.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor

WILMORE, KY—Transfixed to the point of neglecting his personal hygiene and social obligations, local 33-year-old Matt Friesen reportedly spent the entire three-day weekend binge-watching his neighbor. “I didn’t have much going on, so I decided to take advantage of the long weekend and do nothing but watch my neighbor for three straight days,” said the bleary-eyed Friesen, adding that he frequently delayed eating meals and sleeping to indulge in his marathon viewing session of the woman who lives next door to him. “At one point, I must have watched my neighbor for 10 straight hours—I just couldn’t pull myself away from the window. But I really got into it, and it’s easy to enjoy once you get completely immersed in her world. It can be boring at times, but if you stick with it, the payoff is great.” After his weekend binge-viewing, Friesen admitted there remained a number of unresolved questions about his neighbor and stated that he would continue to closely follow her to “see where she goes.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More