Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating

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Vol 40 Issue 05

Boy, Dolphin No Longer On Speaking Terms

KEY WEST, FL—Jimmy O'Dell, 9, and his animal friend Skippy, a bottlenose dolphin, are no longer on speaking terms, the boy said Monday. "I told Skippy I wanted to ride his back out to Buccaneer's Cove to look for buried treasure," O'Dell said. "But Skippy kept squeaking that it wasn't safe. He's always contradicting me, and I'm sick of it. That finned freak is dead to me." Skippy refused to comment.

Quaaludes Are Back, Reports Quaalude-Taking Journalist

CHICAGO—The illegal use of Methaqualone is on the rise, Quaalude-addicted AP reporter Keith Jannings said Monday. "Quaaludes fell largely out of sight after the highly addictive sedatives were taken off the market in the '80s," said Jannings, a thread of drool hanging from his lower lip. "But my research shows that recreational use of this dangerous drug is rebounding, especially among the professional class." To demonstrate, Jannings downed three Canadian quails he'd scored from a dealer just hours earlier.

Celebrity Saddened By Death Of Other Celebrity

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor announced Monday that she was saddened by the death of actress, dancer, and fellow famous person Ann Miller. "Annie was such a joy, an absolute doll," Taylor told reporters. "She touched so many lives, and she will be missed. My heart goes out to her family." Taylor also expressed sadness over the recent passing of Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keeshan.

Man Finds Self Back At Porn Store Again

JASPER, WY—Gregory Steevers, 37, found himself standing in the aisles of the Pleasure Island adult bookstore again Monday. "I was out on a walk after I dropped off the electric bill," Steevers said. "I stopped and had a sandwich, then, before I knew it, I was perusing the shelf of anal videos at the Island. Weird." Steevers said he's "ended up" at Pleasure Island about twice a week for the past four years.

Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Matthew Luskey's pep talk to Benjamin Lambert, who has struggled emotionally since a split with former girlfriend Ashley Huza, was laced with personal threats, sources reported Monday. "If you don't stop torturing yourself, I'm going to beat the living shit out of you," Luskey told Lambert. "Either you get up off of this couch and allow the healing process to begin, or I'll open up a wound so deep, it'll leave more than just an emotional scar." Luskey added that Lambert had better restore his sense of self-worth fast, if he values his life.

I Totally Called Yesterday's Surge In Tech Stocks!

You all think you're hot shit because you guessed that the dollar would continue to slide against the euro, but answer me this: Who totally called yesterday's 0.4 percent surge in technology stock valuations, in spite of their inflated P/E ratio? Who defied conventional wisdom and foresaw the late-afternoon rally after a morning of relatively tepid technology trading? Who is the fucking man? If you said "Geoffrey Fox," you are correct.

I Happened To Be In The Neighborhood And Horny

Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry, were you sleeping? I guess it's kinda late. I know we haven't seen each other in a long time, but I was in the neighborhood, and I saw your light on, so I thought I'd drop by and see if you'd have sex with me.

10th-Grade Class Watches Ben-Hur For Two Weeks

SALEM, VA—For the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. "The chariot races were pretty cool," Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. "And when Mr. Franks got back from the teachers' lounge, he told us Jesus is in tomorrow's part." Bower said he dreads next week, when the class will break into Ben-Hur discussion groups and share their ancient-history unit journals.
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Special Coverage

Innovation

Man Stays Up All Night Procrastinating

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Ba;nk manager Ron Bogen, 29, worked into the wee hours of the morning not writing his speech for the semi-annual Compass Bank Best Practices Conference Tuesday.

Bogen's uncompleted presentation weighs heavy on his mind.

"If I'm a bit slow today, it's because I was up all night working on that presentation," Bogen told his coworkers over lunch Tuesday. "It was a lot slower going than I thought it would be, and a bunch of other stuff came up while I was working on it. All in all, it took me, like, 10 hours."

According to live-in girlfriend Sophie Collins, the evening started well for Bogen.

"Ron talked all weekend about needing to write his speech, but he finally sat down at about 8 Monday night," Collins said. "He had everything he needed laid out on the table: all of the papers and brochures from work, his pens and highlighters, and a tape recorder. In less than half an hour, he was cleaning the bathroom."

Bogen explained: "I was in the bathroom thinking through the opening of the speech when I saw how disgusting the sink was. I couldn't concentrate with a sink that filthy under me. It was no big deal, though—a; little Comet, a thorough scrubbing, and a rinse. Took 20 minutes, tops."

After cleaning the sink, picking his dirty clothes up off the floor, and hanging new towels on the rack, Bogen said he realized that he hadn't spoken to his parents in at least two weeks. After he called his parents, he then called his brother, and then his sister.

"I wanted to get down to work, but I couldn't just call everyone but Tammy," Bogen said.

At 10 p.m., Bogen returned to his desk to begin his speech. When he booted up his Dell Inspiron, a dialog box appeared, urging him to install a new Windows XP security patch.

"I'd been ignoring that warning for months," Bogen said. "I said to myself, 'Let's just get it done.'"

After installing and rebooting, Bogen decided to update his Flash Player and Internet Explorer plug-ins, as well.

At 10:45 p.m., Bogen began to organize his speech by writing it out in longhand on index cards. While looking for index cards, he noticed a pile of bills.

"I'd been meaning to switch over to paperless billing for my cable and phone and everything for months," Bogen said. "It felt so good to finally have that all set up."

Bogen was ready to tackle his presentation once again at 11:15 p.m.

"I was getting back down to work when I remembered that there was a great speech in that movie Sneakers," Bogen said. "I knew it would be really helpful for my own speech, so I got out the DVD. I ended up watching the whole movie before I realized that the speech was actually in Dave. But I didn't watch that movie, because it was 1 a.m., and I really needed to get cracking. That is, right after I organized my DVD shelf, which had gotten really out of control."

Between the hours of 1 and 2:30 a.m., Bogen searched the Internet for information about his old high-school friends, read the latest Time magazine from cover to cover, bought three books on Amazon, and downloaded a single from Jay-Z's Black Album.

Bogen also showered and shaved "to get into the perfect condition to do some writing."

"I don't know why a shower helps, but it does," Bogen said. "As soon as I finished eating the fajitas I made, my mind was on nothing but the speech."

Collins, who urged Bogen to finish his speech so he could go to bed with her, was disappointed to wake up alone.

"I found Ron with his head down on his keyboard, a blank Word document on his screen, and note cards with jokes written on them strewn everywhere," Collins said. "Clearly, he'd gone to some Internet site devoted to funny ice-breakers and spent hours writing down his favorites."

As the couple got ready for work, Bogen furiously scribbled an outline for his presentation on a notepad as he brushed his teeth and dressed.

Bogen said he promised himself that he wouldn't tell anyone how long he worked on the speech, but he broke his promise as soon as he slid in beside coworker and carpool member Will Serber.

"Ron said he looked like shit because he was up all night slaving away on work for the conference," Serber said. "But, from what I could tell, he wrote as many pages of his speech during the 20-minute ride to work as he'd written the whole night before."

Bogen, who has been branch manager of Flagstaff's Central Avenue Compass Bank for nearly 11 months, delivered his eight-minute speech Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. without major incident.

"The speech turned out pretty good," Bogen said. "Just goes to show that it pays to put in the effort and pull an all-nighter."

Although the speech was well received, one audience member noted that Bogen looked "bedraggled."

"They must be working Ron really hard over at Central," said Seth Friedlander, who worked with Bogen at his old branch. "He looked like he'd been burning the midnight oil. That's why I'm not management material. I need a full night's sleep, or I can't get anything done the next day."

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