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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him

NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m pretty sure Alison’s dad detested me, like I just wasn’t good enough to be dating his daughter,” said Donnelly, in reference to the romantic relationship that amicably came to an end in 2010. “Her mom pretended to be nice to my face, but I could tell she really didn’t like me either. And her brother—man, that dude definitely hated me. I don’t know, it still kind of stresses me out.” Reached for comment, the parents of Donnelly’s ex-girlfriend said they had no strong opinion of him, once they had been reminded of his very existence.

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