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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him

NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m pretty sure Alison’s dad detested me, like I just wasn’t good enough to be dating his daughter,” said Donnelly, in reference to the romantic relationship that amicably came to an end in 2010. “Her mom pretended to be nice to my face, but I could tell she really didn’t like me either. And her brother—man, that dude definitely hated me. I don’t know, it still kind of stresses me out.” Reached for comment, the parents of Donnelly’s ex-girlfriend said they had no strong opinion of him, once they had been reminded of his very existence.

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