Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him

NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m pretty sure Alison’s dad detested me, like I just wasn’t good enough to be dating his daughter,” said Donnelly, in reference to the romantic relationship that amicably came to an end in 2010. “Her mom pretended to be nice to my face, but I could tell she really didn’t like me either. And her brother—man, that dude definitely hated me. I don’t know, it still kind of stresses me out.” Reached for comment, the parents of Donnelly’s ex-girlfriend said they had no strong opinion of him, once they had been reminded of his very existence.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.