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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Strains To Find Personalities In Pet Fish

GURNEE, IL—According to friends and family members, 34-year-old Josh Ferguson has really been pushing the bounds of credulity lately by ascribing specific personality traits to his seven tropical fish. "This guy here, he's a bit of a loner," Ferguson told reporters Sunday, pointing at a fish who was, at that moment, swimming in a different part of the tank than the other six fish. "And that fish over there, he can be kind of a jerk." At press time, Ferguson was poring over different varieties of fish-food flakes at his local pet store while explaining to a clerk that each of his fish was an "extremely picky eater."

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