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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Stuck In No-Man's Land Between Two Domino's Delivery Areas

AUBURN, WA—James Stallard, 29, experienced feelings of profound loneliness and alienation Monday upon discovering that his home lay just outside the delivery zones of two nearby Domino's Pizza franchises. "I am invisible, a nonexistent entity in the eyes of Domino's," Stallard uttered while staring blankly out his third-story window. "There is life in this apartment, hunger even, and yet…I cannot have a large pepperoni pizza, with chicken kickers, and a liter of Coke delivered to my home." At press time, Stallard reached up and touched his own face, just to make sure that he was in fact still there.

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