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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Marketing

Man Suddenly Regretting Asking To Be Taken Seriously By Peers

COLUMBIA, MO—Just two weeks after requesting candid feedback on his work and a greater voice in department meetings, local marketing strategist Daniel Farragut told reporters Monday that he is beginning to regret asking to be taken seriously by his peers. “I thought it would be helpful to hear a straightforward assessment of my job performance, but it turns out I was totally wrong,” said Farragut, who since asking to be treated as an integral member of the team has received over a dozen pointed criticisms of his abilities, 30 brutally honest appraisals of his proposals’ shortcomings, and a handful of sharp jabs at his general temperament. “I actually think I liked it better before, when everyone basically ignored me and called me out behind my back. It was so much easier to get through the day.” At press time, Farragut had made a string of mistakes large enough for his colleagues to be able to once again go about condescending to him and dismissing all of his contributions outright.

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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