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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Man Surrounded By Loved Ones Feels Awkward Being Only Person Dying

BOSTON—Surrounded by his closest family and friends in his final hours, local man Doug Keller told reporters Friday that he felt a bit embarrassed to be the only person in his hospital room who was dying. “It’s pretty weird that it’s just me,” said Keller, 58, adding that he felt “a little on the spot” as the lone individual in the group who was about to succumb to pancreatic cancer and breathe his last breath. “I can tell they’re all focused on it. It’s just, like, hanging over everything. Everyone else is in decent enough health, and here I am slipping away. I feel like an idiot.” At press time, Keller was no longer feeling self-conscious despite being the only person on his way to the morgue.

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