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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Surveys Party For Next Group To Silently Stand In

RALEIGH, NC—Determining the time had come to seek out livelier company, local man Thomas Weber reportedly surveyed the party he was attending Thursday for the next group he could silently stand in. “Let’s see, which of these clusters of people do I want to linger in for the next half hour or so without saying a single word?” thought Weber, who sources said had grown bored with the stale conversation of the partygoers he was mutely hovering around. “Those people over by the refrigerator seem interesting. Maybe I’ll wander over to grab a beer and then just sort of loiter around the periphery smiling and nodding my head every so often.” At press time, no one in attendance had realized Weber left the party without saying goodbye to anyone.

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