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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Swells With Shame After Entering Zip Code Into Girl Scout Cookie Locator

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shortly after conducting a Google search for “girl scout cookies buy,” sources say local man Nicholas Tadros became engulfed in a powerful wave of self-loathing after making the conscious decision to enter his zip code into girlscoutcookies.org’s Girl Scout Cookie locator. “Christ,” said the thoroughly self-debased man as he clicked on a link called “Meet the Cookies” and read paragraph-long descriptions of Samoas, Trefoils, Savannah Smiles, and Do-Si-Dos, his entire being burning with white-hot humiliation and self-disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” At press time, a visibly distressed Tadros was silently cursing himself as he filled out a Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana’s contact form so that a girl scout could personally help the abashed loser place an order.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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