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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Swells With Shame After Entering Zip Code Into Girl Scout Cookie Locator

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Shortly after conducting a Google search for “girl scout cookies buy,” sources say local man Nicholas Tadros became engulfed in a powerful wave of self-loathing after making the conscious decision to enter his zip code into girlscoutcookies.org’s Girl Scout Cookie locator. “Christ,” said the thoroughly self-debased man as he clicked on a link called “Meet the Cookies” and read paragraph-long descriptions of Samoas, Trefoils, Savannah Smiles, and Do-Si-Dos, his entire being burning with white-hot humiliation and self-disgust. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” At press time, a visibly distressed Tadros was silently cursing himself as he filled out a Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana’s contact form so that a girl scout could personally help the abashed loser place an order.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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