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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Man Taking Photo With iPad Oblivious To How Badass He Looks

CHICAGO—According to those witnessing the impromptu photo session, an unidentified man taking pictures of Millenium Park’s Cloud Gate sculpture on his iPad has no idea how incredibly badass he looks. “The way he’s holding the iPad all the way out in front of his body like that? Dude looks so awesome he doesn’t even realize it,” onlooker Jessica Walker, 25, said of the man, who, after taking one photo of the landmark, became the very essence of cool when he hitched up the waistband of his shorts, squatted down, squinted, jutted out his arms and captured a second image of the sculpture. “I don’t know who he is, but he reminds of Jay Z or of a 1970s Mick Jagger—maybe even a young Marlon Brando. He’s just so fucking smooth, you know?” At press time, the badass had reportedly turned his iPad around to take a picture of himself smiling in front of the artwork.

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