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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Man Taking Photo With iPad Oblivious To How Badass He Looks

CHICAGO—According to those witnessing the impromptu photo session, an unidentified man taking pictures of Millenium Park’s Cloud Gate sculpture on his iPad has no idea how incredibly badass he looks. “The way he’s holding the iPad all the way out in front of his body like that? Dude looks so awesome he doesn’t even realize it,” onlooker Jessica Walker, 25, said of the man, who, after taking one photo of the landmark, became the very essence of cool when he hitched up the waistband of his shorts, squatted down, squinted, jutted out his arms and captured a second image of the sculpture. “I don’t know who he is, but he reminds of Jay Z or of a 1970s Mick Jagger—maybe even a young Marlon Brando. He’s just so fucking smooth, you know?” At press time, the badass had reportedly turned his iPad around to take a picture of himself smiling in front of the artwork.

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