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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

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