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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

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