adBlockCheck

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

Top Headlines

Recent News

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Man Thinks He Managed To Masturbate Without Waking Roommate

OMAHA, NE–Creighton University sophomore Adam Wilmut is under the mistaken impression that he managed to masturbate Tuesday without waking roommate and top-bunk occupant Scott Engram. "For about 10 minutes, I could feel the loft frame vibrating slightly," the 19-year-old Engram said. "Then, the vibrating escalated just a tiny bit for about 30 seconds before stopping altogether." The incident marked the fifth time in as many days that Wilmut's stealth masturbation was detected.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close