adBlockCheck

Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

Gilmer (left) and several of the vastly more important issues he hopes to draw attention away from.
Gilmer (left) and several of the vastly more important issues he hopes to draw attention away from.

ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.

Gilmer's expedition, which will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles and bring absolutely no exposure to any urgent environmental or social causes whatsoever, is expected to last roughly 90 days and draw millions of eyes around the world directly away from events of actual, crucial import.

"I hope to use my lifelong love of sailing to take part in a completely irrelevant novelty stunt that in no way benefits humanity," Gilmer said of the non-news event that will needlessly cycle in and out of the top spot on news websites for weeks. "The goal here is to really make people think about a young, overconfident asshole on a boat rather than any pressing matters of substance that actually affect people's lives."

Added Gilmer, "Even if just one person reads a news article about my pointless ego trip instead of a story about the global financial crisis, then I've done my job."

The utterly irrelevant boat ride, which Gilmer plans to document by video so that people can oc-cupy precious hours of their time watching clips of a self-satisfied little shit in a cramped sailboat cabin as if it were an actual event of significance, will in no way address climate change, ocean conservation, unemployment, workers' rights, cancer research, or any wars or conflicts anywhere in the world.

Gilmer—whose inconsequential personal history thousands of Americans will actively choose to make space for in their long-term memories—told reporters he has been planning his meaningless and distracting journey for quite some time, citing his own completely self-serving narcissism as his sole inspiration.

"I saw so many people out there refusing to take time out of their day for bullshit media sideshow events like mine, and I thought, 'Something needs to be done,'" said Gilmer, whose circumnavigation will actually be covered around the clock by real, paid journalists whose job it is, ostensibly, to bring the most significant issues of the day to the American public. "The fact that I'm getting this much media attention already is a real blessing for me and literally no one else."

A number of major corporate sponsors whose only concern is to have their names attached to a big news story with lots of coverage have already pledged to donate a dollar for every nautical mile Gilmer sails, with the money going to help offset the cost of his travels rather than toward a charity devoted toward the betterment of the human race.

In addition, dozens of major news outlets have already promised they will act astonished and impressed by Gilmer's completely unconstructive accomplishment, a landmark that many, many others have previously reached, going back more than a century, and that is in no way worthy of nationwide, let alone worldwide, recognition.

"It won't be easy of course; there are going to be some rough winds and huge waves that I'm sure you'll hear described as though they were the kind of thing that had an effect on the famine currently ravaging Somalia or something," said the man who with every word he speaks magically decreases the number of words printed on the subject of AIDS in Africa or the potential for democracy in the Middle East. "But whenever things do get hard, I'll just remember what I'm doing this for and take comfort in the fact that the hearts and minds of literally thousands of people are stupidly invested in me."

At press time, something was happening in Washington.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close