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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

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WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

Gilmer (left) and several of the vastly more important issues he hopes to draw attention away from.
Gilmer (left) and several of the vastly more important issues he hopes to draw attention away from.

ENCINITAS, CA—In a completely inconsequential event that has already captured the imaginations of thousands, amateur sailor Michael Gilmer, 29, announced Monday he would be embarking on a sea journey around the world to actively decrease awareness of significant global issues.

Gilmer's expedition, which will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles and bring absolutely no exposure to any urgent environmental or social causes whatsoever, is expected to last roughly 90 days and draw millions of eyes around the world directly away from events of actual, crucial import.

"I hope to use my lifelong love of sailing to take part in a completely irrelevant novelty stunt that in no way benefits humanity," Gilmer said of the non-news event that will needlessly cycle in and out of the top spot on news websites for weeks. "The goal here is to really make people think about a young, overconfident asshole on a boat rather than any pressing matters of substance that actually affect people's lives."

Added Gilmer, "Even if just one person reads a news article about my pointless ego trip instead of a story about the global financial crisis, then I've done my job."

The utterly irrelevant boat ride, which Gilmer plans to document by video so that people can oc-cupy precious hours of their time watching clips of a self-satisfied little shit in a cramped sailboat cabin as if it were an actual event of significance, will in no way address climate change, ocean conservation, unemployment, workers' rights, cancer research, or any wars or conflicts anywhere in the world.

Gilmer—whose inconsequential personal history thousands of Americans will actively choose to make space for in their long-term memories—told reporters he has been planning his meaningless and distracting journey for quite some time, citing his own completely self-serving narcissism as his sole inspiration.

"I saw so many people out there refusing to take time out of their day for bullshit media sideshow events like mine, and I thought, 'Something needs to be done,'" said Gilmer, whose circumnavigation will actually be covered around the clock by real, paid journalists whose job it is, ostensibly, to bring the most significant issues of the day to the American public. "The fact that I'm getting this much media attention already is a real blessing for me and literally no one else."

A number of major corporate sponsors whose only concern is to have their names attached to a big news story with lots of coverage have already pledged to donate a dollar for every nautical mile Gilmer sails, with the money going to help offset the cost of his travels rather than toward a charity devoted toward the betterment of the human race.

In addition, dozens of major news outlets have already promised they will act astonished and impressed by Gilmer's completely unconstructive accomplishment, a landmark that many, many others have previously reached, going back more than a century, and that is in no way worthy of nationwide, let alone worldwide, recognition.

"It won't be easy of course; there are going to be some rough winds and huge waves that I'm sure you'll hear described as though they were the kind of thing that had an effect on the famine currently ravaging Somalia or something," said the man who with every word he speaks magically decreases the number of words printed on the subject of AIDS in Africa or the potential for democracy in the Middle East. "But whenever things do get hard, I'll just remember what I'm doing this for and take comfort in the fact that the hearts and minds of literally thousands of people are stupidly invested in me."

At press time, something was happening in Washington.

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