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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Man Too Deep Into Sentence To Avoid Saying Word He Can’t Pronounce

RALEIGH, NC—Suddenly realizing the direness of his situation halfway through speaking a sentence aloud, local 31-year-old Clint Levy reportedly found himself far too deep into a discussion of menu items during a business lunch Wednesday to avoid saying “charcuterie,” a word he is unable to pronounce, sources confirmed. “Oh, no, it’s coming up. Shit, what do I do?” Levy reportedly thought as he continued talking, admitting to himself that even if he were to add a few extra words as he approached the uncertain pronunciation, he would still have to face the phonetically complicated noun nonetheless. “I can buy myself some time by throwing an ‘um’ in there, but that’ll give me two seconds at the most. God, if I hesitate or try to sound it out, they’ll know I don’t have any idea how to say this thing. Fuck.” At press time, sources reported that Levy had accepted his fate and summoned the courage to just go for it.

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