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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious."

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