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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley. “When Darren walked up to the lane holding that little pink ball, we were all thinking, ‘Wait a minute, that ball is meant for children,’ but then we realized what he was doing, and everyone just started cracking up,” said friend Kelly Lingard, adding that, as part of his lighthearted and exceptionally entertaining display, Foerstner demonstrated that his thumb and fingers were unable to fit into the smaller holes of the pink ball, forcing him to palm it with his entire hand. “He told us he borrowed the ball from a 5-year-old girl, which was hilarious in and of itself, but then when he actually bowled with it, he wound up accidentally throwing it a few feet into the air, so it crashed really hard onto the lane before bouncing a few times and rolling into the gutter. It was very, very funny.” The spectacle reportedly then reached a hysterical climax after Foerstner attempted to throw the pink ball through his legs and inadvertently tossed it onto the wrong lane, prompting fits of joyous laughter from everyone present as he quickly apologized to the adjacent group of bowlers.

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