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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley. “When Darren walked up to the lane holding that little pink ball, we were all thinking, ‘Wait a minute, that ball is meant for children,’ but then we realized what he was doing, and everyone just started cracking up,” said friend Kelly Lingard, adding that, as part of his lighthearted and exceptionally entertaining display, Foerstner demonstrated that his thumb and fingers were unable to fit into the smaller holes of the pink ball, forcing him to palm it with his entire hand. “He told us he borrowed the ball from a 5-year-old girl, which was hilarious in and of itself, but then when he actually bowled with it, he wound up accidentally throwing it a few feet into the air, so it crashed really hard onto the lane before bouncing a few times and rolling into the gutter. It was very, very funny.” The spectacle reportedly then reached a hysterical climax after Foerstner attempted to throw the pink ball through his legs and inadvertently tossed it onto the wrong lane, prompting fits of joyous laughter from everyone present as he quickly apologized to the adjacent group of bowlers.

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