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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats

FAIRFAX, VA—Growing increasingly exasperated at his inability to make himself heard, local man Alex Turner told reporters Wednesday that he was frustrated by the fact that he is unable to leave a hateful message for a local synagogue because the line is always tied up with other threats. “I make it a point to call every morning, but why bother when you can never get through?” said Turner, 38, adding that the line is so swamped by menacing calls that he often has to wait on hold half an hour to tell a synagogue staff member that Jews did not belong in his neighborhood, sometimes having to call back numerous times because he just receives a busy signal. “I’ve left a couple of messages on their voicemail, but I’m not sure if they even listen to those, and it’s usually full anyway. I’m sorry, but they should know by now to expect this kind of high call volume.” At press time, an angry Turner decided he would just hang up the phone and deliver his message to the synagogue in person.

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