adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats

FAIRFAX, VA—Growing increasingly exasperated at his inability to make himself heard, local man Alex Turner told reporters Wednesday that he was frustrated by the fact that he is unable to leave a hateful message for a local synagogue because the line is always tied up with other threats. “I make it a point to call every morning, but why bother when you can never get through?” said Turner, 38, adding that the line is so swamped by menacing calls that he often has to wait on hold half an hour to tell a synagogue staff member that Jews did not belong in his neighborhood, sometimes having to call back numerous times because he just receives a busy signal. “I’ve left a couple of messages on their voicemail, but I’m not sure if they even listen to those, and it’s usually full anyway. I’m sorry, but they should know by now to expect this kind of high call volume.” At press time, an angry Turner decided he would just hang up the phone and deliver his message to the synagogue in person.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close