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Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

AUGUSTA, GA—Saying that he is far too busy right now and can’t afford to miss any work, local financial compliance officer Bill Claremont told reporters that he is looking for any possible way to get out of executioner duty after receiving an official summons in the mail yesterday. “Oh man, this could not have come at a worse time for me. There’s no way I can do this,” said Claremont, adding that although he recognizes it’s his civic duty to put convicted murderers to death from time to time, his work and family lives have been hectic lately and he doesn’t want to have to drag himself all the way out to a state prison on a Wednesday at midnight, wait around for the prisoners’ visit with the chaplain and his final statement, and maybe even get delayed by a last-minute appeal. “I’m not trying to dodge responsibility; it’s just that if the governor grants a temporary stay it’ll drag on forever. And for a lousy $25 a day? Totally not worth it.” In spite of his resistance, several of Claremont’s coworkers assured him that carrying out a death sentence is usually very quick, saying in most cases you just jab the guy with pentobarbital and it’s over.

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