Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

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Vol 50 Issue 15

Xylophonist Shredding It

Everyone in a bustling Chinese parade is attempting to elude pursuers, newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons, and a xylophonist is shredding it.

Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conceding that there was no longer a need to formally acknowledge the accomplishments of American Idol fourth season runner-up and Alabama native Bo Bice, state officials Friday quietly moved to strike Bo Bice Day from the offi...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

AUGUSTA, GA—Saying that he is far too busy right now and can’t afford to miss any work, local financial compliance officer Bill Claremont told reporters that he is looking for any possible way to get out of executioner duty after receiving an official summons in the mail yesterday. “Oh man, this could not have come at a worse time for me. There’s no way I can do this,” said Claremont, adding that although he recognizes it’s his civic duty to put convicted murderers to death from time to time, his work and family lives have been hectic lately and he doesn’t want to have to drag himself all the way out to a state prison on a Wednesday at midnight, wait around for the prisoners’ visit with the chaplain and his final statement, and maybe even get delayed by a last-minute appeal. “I’m not trying to dodge responsibility; it’s just that if the governor grants a temporary stay it’ll drag on forever. And for a lousy $25 a day? Totally not worth it.” In spite of his resistance, several of Claremont’s coworkers assured him that carrying out a death sentence is usually very quick, saying in most cases you just jab the guy with pentobarbital and it’s over.

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