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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

AUGUSTA, GA—Saying that he is far too busy right now and can’t afford to miss any work, local financial compliance officer Bill Claremont told reporters that he is looking for any possible way to get out of executioner duty after receiving an official summons in the mail yesterday. “Oh man, this could not have come at a worse time for me. There’s no way I can do this,” said Claremont, adding that although he recognizes it’s his civic duty to put convicted murderers to death from time to time, his work and family lives have been hectic lately and he doesn’t want to have to drag himself all the way out to a state prison on a Wednesday at midnight, wait around for the prisoners’ visit with the chaplain and his final statement, and maybe even get delayed by a last-minute appeal. “I’m not trying to dodge responsibility; it’s just that if the governor grants a temporary stay it’ll drag on forever. And for a lousy $25 a day? Totally not worth it.” In spite of his resistance, several of Claremont’s coworkers assured him that carrying out a death sentence is usually very quick, saying in most cases you just jab the guy with pentobarbital and it’s over.

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