Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went

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Vol 38 Issue 26

Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating

LINCOLN, NE— Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in Consumer Reports. "This car's price isn't inflated by sturdy, impact-resistant steel, is it?" Menden asked the salesman. "Safety's important, but I don't want to blow a fortune on luxuries." Menden, who always drives during outings with wife Cheryl, also passed on the optional passenger-side airbag.

Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes

SALINA, KS— The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20 minutes Monday. "The guy on the tape talked about all kinds of things, like 'making your luck' and stuff," Smales said. "It sounded great, and I went right off to make my 'Life List.'" Upon finding his pen out of ink, Smales retired to the couch, where he watched a Hunter marathon on TBS

Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan

LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller."

More Police Brutality In L.A.

The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do you think?

The Corporate-Fraud Bill

Responding to the recent rash of business-world corruption, the House passed a corporate-fraud bill last week.

Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens

HOUSTON— Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. "Lots of people love alcohol, so we figured that a bar centered on that concept was a natural," said Jim Reichel, owner and creator of the bar. "Patrons can enjoy a 'Gin and Tonic,' and other whimsically named drinks, as well as enjoy our decor, which includes posters and neon signs celebrating various beers and liquors."
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Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went

ALBANY, NY— Local resident Clint Fuster, 33, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had that thing where the camera zoomed through a city street and up into the sky," Fuster said. "Then it went something like, 'Na-na-NAAA, na na-NAAA.' But I also remember a part that went, like, 'NA-na-na, NA-na-na.' It was really cool—almost as cool as the credits for USA Night Flight."

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