adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company

RICHMOND, VA—A table of people enjoying a friendly conversation plunged diner John Richards into a deep, bitter resentment Monday that he was completely unable to rationalize. "I can't explain it, but just seeing them there smiling and talking makes me want to kill them all," said Richards, adding that he does not normally think of himself as an absolutely miserable piece of shit. "There's no reason for this. All they're doing is having a nice meal and—oh, you fucking assholes, stop laughing before I stab you in the face. See, there I go again." After changing seats, Richards admitted that the couple sitting across from him staring silently into each other's eyes made him realize that true love is possible between two extremely obnoxious and sickening little pricks.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close