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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company

RICHMOND, VA—A table of people enjoying a friendly conversation plunged diner John Richards into a deep, bitter resentment Monday that he was completely unable to rationalize. "I can't explain it, but just seeing them there smiling and talking makes me want to kill them all," said Richards, adding that he does not normally think of himself as an absolutely miserable piece of shit. "There's no reason for this. All they're doing is having a nice meal and—oh, you fucking assholes, stop laughing before I stab you in the face. See, there I go again." After changing seats, Richards admitted that the couple sitting across from him staring silently into each other's eyes made him realize that true love is possible between two extremely obnoxious and sickening little pricks.

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