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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday. “Well, at the end of the day I came up a bit short, but I sure as heck gave it my all,” said an incorrect Janssen, mistakenly identifying his wholly inadequate display of effort on a proposal, which was summarily rejected by his supervisor, as “pushing [himself] to the limit.” “You win some, you lose some. I put it all on the line and I fought until the very end, but it just didn’t work out this time, and I’m okay with that.” Janssen then stated accurately that his level of commitment to the project “speaks for itself.”

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