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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday. “Well, at the end of the day I came up a bit short, but I sure as heck gave it my all,” said an incorrect Janssen, mistakenly identifying his wholly inadequate display of effort on a proposal, which was summarily rejected by his supervisor, as “pushing [himself] to the limit.” “You win some, you lose some. I put it all on the line and I fought until the very end, but it just didn’t work out this time, and I’m okay with that.” Janssen then stated accurately that his level of commitment to the project “speaks for itself.”

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