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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday. “Well, at the end of the day I came up a bit short, but I sure as heck gave it my all,” said an incorrect Janssen, mistakenly identifying his wholly inadequate display of effort on a proposal, which was summarily rejected by his supervisor, as “pushing [himself] to the limit.” “You win some, you lose some. I put it all on the line and I fought until the very end, but it just didn’t work out this time, and I’m okay with that.” Janssen then stated accurately that his level of commitment to the project “speaks for itself.”

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