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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep. "I'll put him down after Leno most nights, but he's up two hours later because he wants to be fed again," Dawson's wife, Joyce, told reporters Tuesday. "If I'm lucky, I'll give him his bottle and he'll pass right out for the rest of the night. Usually, though, I'm up till dawn trying to get him to stop crying." At press time, Dawson was finally sleeping soundly and had begun to soil his pajamas.

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