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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Unfortunately Sleeps Like Baby

YAKIMA, WA—According to frustrated family sources, 49-year-old Gene Dawson sleeps like a baby, waking up every few hours and needing to be held and soothed before he can fall back asleep. "I'll put him down after Leno most nights, but he's up two hours later because he wants to be fed again," Dawson's wife, Joyce, told reporters Tuesday. "If I'm lucky, I'll give him his bottle and he'll pass right out for the rest of the night. Usually, though, I'm up till dawn trying to get him to stop crying." At press time, Dawson was finally sleeping soundly and had begun to soil his pajamas.

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