adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location

GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location. “It feels so familiar, yet so alien,” said Kim, adding he was shaken upon arriving at the spot where the bathroom should be only to find a blank wall and profoundly disturbed by the startling realization that the seating area and bar had been flipped entirely despite the color and design of the chairs staying exactly the same. “Even though the font is the same, the drink menu and the regular menu have been combined into one, and they’ve reordered a few of the sections. It’s like I definitely know this place, but at the same time, I don’t know it at all.” At press time, Kim had reportedly settled down after being ignored by the waiter for 20 minutes, just as he would have been in the restaurant’s original location.

More from this section

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close