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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location

GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location. “It feels so familiar, yet so alien,” said Kim, adding he was shaken upon arriving at the spot where the bathroom should be only to find a blank wall and profoundly disturbed by the startling realization that the seating area and bar had been flipped entirely despite the color and design of the chairs staying exactly the same. “Even though the font is the same, the drink menu and the regular menu have been combined into one, and they’ve reordered a few of the sections. It’s like I definitely know this place, but at the same time, I don’t know it at all.” At press time, Kim had reportedly settled down after being ignored by the waiter for 20 minutes, just as he would have been in the restaurant’s original location.

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