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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location

GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location. “It feels so familiar, yet so alien,” said Kim, adding he was shaken upon arriving at the spot where the bathroom should be only to find a blank wall and profoundly disturbed by the startling realization that the seating area and bar had been flipped entirely despite the color and design of the chairs staying exactly the same. “Even though the font is the same, the drink menu and the regular menu have been combined into one, and they’ve reordered a few of the sections. It’s like I definitely know this place, but at the same time, I don’t know it at all.” At press time, Kim had reportedly settled down after being ignored by the waiter for 20 minutes, just as he would have been in the restaurant’s original location.

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