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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Man Unsure He’s Done Enough Research To Take All The Fun Out Of Making NCAA Bracket

TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. “I actually enjoyed putting some of this together, which makes me wonder if I spent enough time reading conflicting articles about which teams are poised to pull off upsets,” said a visibly disappointed Buckley, adding that while he consulted the RPI rankings and read most of the 34 matchup summaries by ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, he still took some pleasure in making certain picks based purely on his gut feeling or his hatred of certain schools. “I put Texas in the Final Four just because I like [head coach] Shaka Smart, and I have Duke going out in the second round since it’d be fun to see them get dumped so early, so I probably didn’t analyze as much of the data as I should have in order to turn this into a totally and utterly joyless experience.” Buckley added that, at the very least, he invested enough time to guarantee he will not enjoy any of the amazing and inspiring upsets he failed to pick.

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