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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Man Unsure He’s Done Enough Research To Take All The Fun Out Of Making NCAA Bracket

TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. “I actually enjoyed putting some of this together, which makes me wonder if I spent enough time reading conflicting articles about which teams are poised to pull off upsets,” said a visibly disappointed Buckley, adding that while he consulted the RPI rankings and read most of the 34 matchup summaries by ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, he still took some pleasure in making certain picks based purely on his gut feeling or his hatred of certain schools. “I put Texas in the Final Four just because I like [head coach] Shaka Smart, and I have Duke going out in the second round since it’d be fun to see them get dumped so early, so I probably didn’t analyze as much of the data as I should have in order to turn this into a totally and utterly joyless experience.” Buckley added that, at the very least, he invested enough time to guarantee he will not enjoy any of the amazing and inspiring upsets he failed to pick.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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