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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Man Unsure He’s Done Enough Research To Take All The Fun Out Of Making NCAA Bracket

TOLEDO, OH—Noting that he simply ran out of time this year, 32-year-old Collin Buckley admitted to reporters Wednesday that he may not have done enough research to take all the fun out of filling out his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. “I actually enjoyed putting some of this together, which makes me wonder if I spent enough time reading conflicting articles about which teams are poised to pull off upsets,” said a visibly disappointed Buckley, adding that while he consulted the RPI rankings and read most of the 34 matchup summaries by ESPN analyst Jay Bilas, he still took some pleasure in making certain picks based purely on his gut feeling or his hatred of certain schools. “I put Texas in the Final Four just because I like [head coach] Shaka Smart, and I have Duke going out in the second round since it’d be fun to see them get dumped so early, so I probably didn’t analyze as much of the data as I should have in order to turn this into a totally and utterly joyless experience.” Buckley added that, at the very least, he invested enough time to guarantee he will not enjoy any of the amazing and inspiring upsets he failed to pick.

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