adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Unwilling To Skydive Blasted For Contradicting Previous ‘Up For Whatever’ Stance

SAN DIEGO—A local group of friends was reportedly left irritated Thursday when member Gary Milheiser expressed hesitation about jumping out of an airplane at 14,000 feet, despite stating aloud just hours earlier that he was “up for whatever.” “Gary made it perfectly clear that he was cool with doing anything back when we were all trying to figure out what to do, but as soon as he stepped up to the doorway of the airplane and was faced with plunging toward the ground at 120 miles per hour, he backtracked completely. What gives?” said friend Michael Diaz, still visibly peeved. “I specifically asked him what he wanted to do and he said, ‘I’m open to whatevs’—I took him at his word. Frankly, this calls into question his other assertions that he’s happy to just go with the flow and that he’s down with going anywhere for dinner tonight.” At press time, several members of the group were seriously considering whether they should even ask Milheiser to join them on their upcoming heli-skiing trip given his infuriatingly contradictory behavior.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close