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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Man Unwilling To Skydive Blasted For Contradicting Previous ‘Up For Whatever’ Stance

SAN DIEGO—A local group of friends was reportedly left irritated Thursday when member Gary Milheiser expressed hesitation about jumping out of an airplane at 14,000 feet, despite stating aloud just hours earlier that he was “up for whatever.” “Gary made it perfectly clear that he was cool with doing anything back when we were all trying to figure out what to do, but as soon as he stepped up to the doorway of the airplane and was faced with plunging toward the ground at 120 miles per hour, he backtracked completely. What gives?” said friend Michael Diaz, still visibly peeved. “I specifically asked him what he wanted to do and he said, ‘I’m open to whatevs’—I took him at his word. Frankly, this calls into question his other assertions that he’s happy to just go with the flow and that he’s down with going anywhere for dinner tonight.” At press time, several members of the group were seriously considering whether they should even ask Milheiser to join them on their upcoming heli-skiing trip given his infuriatingly contradictory behavior.

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