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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing

BOSTON—Realizing that the short, rehearsed speech had not been revised to reflect recent changes in his life, 29-year-old marketing associate Alex Hansen confirmed Wednesday that he had updated the little monologue he delivers every time a member of his extended family asks how he’s doing. “I’ll still start by saying work has been going well and that I’m still in Boston, but I’m tweaking that part about where I live to convey that I have my own apartment now,” Hansen said of the brief but carefully crafted oration he recites almost reflexively when encountering second cousins at family gatherings or receiving the occasional phone call from a grandparent. “The part where I say I’ve been playing on an intramural soccer team once a week doesn’t really seem to land, so I’ve swapped that out with a few seconds on how I’m thinking about running a marathon. And now I’m closing with how I might go to law school—that seems like a pretty strong finish.” Hansen added that it will be easier to simply preserve the portion of the monologue about his girlfriend doing great despite the fact that she broke up with him three months ago.

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