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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing

BOSTON—Realizing that the short, rehearsed speech had not been revised to reflect recent changes in his life, 29-year-old marketing associate Alex Hansen confirmed Wednesday that he had updated the little monologue he delivers every time a member of his extended family asks how he’s doing. “I’ll still start by saying work has been going well and that I’m still in Boston, but I’m tweaking that part about where I live to convey that I have my own apartment now,” Hansen said of the brief but carefully crafted oration he recites almost reflexively when encountering second cousins at family gatherings or receiving the occasional phone call from a grandparent. “The part where I say I’ve been playing on an intramural soccer team once a week doesn’t really seem to land, so I’ve swapped that out with a few seconds on how I’m thinking about running a marathon. And now I’m closing with how I might go to law school—that seems like a pretty strong finish.” Hansen added that it will be easier to simply preserve the portion of the monologue about his girlfriend doing great despite the fact that she broke up with him three months ago.

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