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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing

BOSTON—Realizing that the short, rehearsed speech had not been revised to reflect recent changes in his life, 29-year-old marketing associate Alex Hansen confirmed Wednesday that he had updated the little monologue he delivers every time a member of his extended family asks how he’s doing. “I’ll still start by saying work has been going well and that I’m still in Boston, but I’m tweaking that part about where I live to convey that I have my own apartment now,” Hansen said of the brief but carefully crafted oration he recites almost reflexively when encountering second cousins at family gatherings or receiving the occasional phone call from a grandparent. “The part where I say I’ve been playing on an intramural soccer team once a week doesn’t really seem to land, so I’ve swapped that out with a few seconds on how I’m thinking about running a marathon. And now I’m closing with how I might go to law school—that seems like a pretty strong finish.” Hansen added that it will be easier to simply preserve the portion of the monologue about his girlfriend doing great despite the fact that she broke up with him three months ago.

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