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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy

Sources say Brian Terlaine will likely never go near the back of a motorcycle while his parents are still living.
Sources say Brian Terlaine will likely never go near the back of a motorcycle while his parents are still living.

MT. VERNON, WA—Thirty-seven-year-old bank employee Brian Terlaine is apparently spending his entire adult life avoiding any activity or decision that might give him the smallest bit of satisfaction until both of his parents have died.

Despite the fact that he is a grown man capable of forming relationships, seeking a job, or wearing any article of clothing he chooses, Terlaine has apparently opted to postpone any such choices until his entirely healthy parents Tom, 68, and Barb, 64, are no longer alive to second-guess or disapprove of them.

"I try not to worry my folks too much, seeing how they're getting older and all," said Terlaine, who has opted for the past 18 years not to grow a beard for fear of his mother's response. "I just don't want to make any waves, you know? "

Added Terlaine, "I figure that's the easiest thing for everybody involved."

Terlaine's parents, Tom and Barb

Terlaine reportedly has a long history of neglecting his own sense of happiness in favor of what he thinks will please—or at the very least not disappoint—his parents. In direct opposition to his own personal hopes and desires, Terlaine has talked himself out of such actions as skiing, buying a video-game system, traveling with friends to a beach house on the coast, and taking a cooking class he worried his father would consider a waste of money.

Terlaine, who constantly fantasizes about moving to Chicago but has never lived more than six miles from his parents, said that he feels lucky his mother and father care enough about him to remain involved in his life.

"Mom and Dad are just looking out for my best interests," said Terlaine, twisting his shirt into a tiny knot. "They are just tough to argue with, especially now that my father's retired and has a lot of free time on his hands. Plus, Mom has a tendency to react to bad news in, you know, her way."

Those close to Terlaine, whose by-all- accounts healthy parents have disapproved of their son participating in any sort of recreational football league since he was 10, said his one chance of making a new life for himself could have occurred after high school, when he hoped to study graphic design at the Pratt Institute in New York.

That opportunity, however, has reportedly long since passed.

"I had this whole thing about moving to a big city and becoming a designer," Terlaine confirmed. "But my folks eventually convinced me that if I went to college nearby and majored in accounting I could save money on rent and tuition and stuff and also have an easier time finding work right out of school. I mean, it was my choice and everything; they just sort of pointed me in the right direction."

"I probably wouldn't have been able to get into Pratt anyway," he added.

According to longtime friend Greg Paulson, in 2007 Terlaine pulled out of a trip the two had been planning to take to New Orleans, having broached the idea with his mother in a phone call.

"Going to New Orleans with Greg sounded like fun," Terlaine said of the trip. "But after my mom forwarded me all of these crime reports she found on the Internet, it just didn't make sense for me to go. My folks would have been worried the whole time."

Terlaine has also reportedly allowed his parents' opinions to ruin the majority of his serious relationships, including the one with Janet Furst, the girl he always thought of as "the one." While sources said Terlaine didn't actively break up with Furst, he planted the seeds of destruction for the relationship by refusing to introduce her to his parents.

"It just wouldn't have worked," Terlaine said. "Janet could be a bit loud sometimes, and you never knew what she was going to say. I loved that spark and unpredictability she had, but I know my parents would have been uncomfortable. Plus, she was Jewish, which I'm sure would have weirded my parents out on some level."

"I'll find someone right for me eventually," Terlaine continued. "It's better this way."

At press time, Terlaine's parents decided to cancel a planned two-week trip to Europe this summer, as they didn't want to be gone for so long in case their son needed them.

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