New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Man Wakes From Nightmare Relieved It Only Expression Of His Real-Life Problems

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems. “Whew! Thank God that was just a manifestation of the actual deep-seated issues that I refuse to address and that have now seeped deep into my subconscious,” said Rolinger, assuring himself that what had just transpired was nothing more than a slightly more vivid reiteration of the problems that plague him day in and day out. “I was really frightened there before I realized that everything happening was simply my sleeping mind showing itself powerless to unchain itself from my daytime fears and then translating those exact anxieties into the language of dreams. It was intense for sure, but it felt good to wake up and register the fact that it was nothing more than a passing interpretation of everything that’s chronically wrong with my life.” Rolinger reportedly then proceeded to go back to sleep, comforted in the knowledge that even if he had another nightmare, it would just be a version of the troubles that would hamper him at work tomorrow and likely for the rest of his life.


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