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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers

SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen. “I got home from work a bit early and went to grab a beer, and that’s when I saw him right there with the containers on the counter, just going at it,” said a shaken Gao, adding that having noticed his roommate eye his leftovers a few times before, he had his suspicions, but nothing could have prepared him for the shock of what was happening right in front of him, particularly the loud slurping and lip-smacking sounds he has been unable to get out of his head even now. “I just stood there staring for two minutes before he even noticed me. I started screaming, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he tried to quickly cover everything up—but I know what I saw.” According to Gao, his roommate later tried to explain away his actions by saying he was drunk and even attempted to shift the blame by saying Gao had neglected his leftovers in the fridge and not given them the attention they deserved.

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