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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers

SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen. “I got home from work a bit early and went to grab a beer, and that’s when I saw him right there with the containers on the counter, just going at it,” said a shaken Gao, adding that having noticed his roommate eye his leftovers a few times before, he had his suspicions, but nothing could have prepared him for the shock of what was happening right in front of him, particularly the loud slurping and lip-smacking sounds he has been unable to get out of his head even now. “I just stood there staring for two minutes before he even noticed me. I started screaming, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he tried to quickly cover everything up—but I know what I saw.” According to Gao, his roommate later tried to explain away his actions by saying he was drunk and even attempted to shift the blame by saying Gao had neglected his leftovers in the fridge and not given them the attention they deserved.

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