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Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today

ST. LOUIS—Temporarily ceasing all his regular affectations and posturing, local man Jeremy Claremont was his actual, genuine self for nearly half an hour today, sources have confirmed. “I was definitely myself for about six minutes there while eating breakfast, and then again during the first three minutes and 45 seconds of my commute, right up until the point I hit traffic,” said Claremont, speaking to reporters during one of the 27 nonconsecutive minutes in which he exhibited his true personality. “I also let my guard down at 1:14 p.m., when I was eating lunch with coworkers, but that stretch ended by 1:22, around the time the topic of conversation switched to business. Likewise, I didn’t betray my authentic self during the cumulative six minutes I spent urinating today.” According to reports, the 36-year-old was unable to be himself during the eight hours he slept, as he spent nearly all that time dreaming he was someone else.

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