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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today

ST. LOUIS—Temporarily ceasing all his regular affectations and posturing, local man Jeremy Claremont was his actual, genuine self for nearly half an hour today, sources have confirmed. “I was definitely myself for about six minutes there while eating breakfast, and then again during the first three minutes and 45 seconds of my commute, right up until the point I hit traffic,” said Claremont, speaking to reporters during one of the 27 nonconsecutive minutes in which he exhibited his true personality. “I also let my guard down at 1:14 p.m., when I was eating lunch with coworkers, but that stretch ended by 1:22, around the time the topic of conversation switched to business. Likewise, I didn’t betray my authentic self during the cumulative six minutes I spent urinating today.” According to reports, the 36-year-old was unable to be himself during the eight hours he slept, as he spent nearly all that time dreaming he was someone else.

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