Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 25

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back

The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer

According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30.

Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now

SKOKIE, IL—Confused and disappointed by what he has seen thus far of the 2014 World Cup, local 27-year-old Jared Bowman told reporters Monday that he had expected far more bicycle kicks by this point in the tournament. “I’ve watched a bunch of games, and I don’t think I’ve seen a single player do that thing where they fall backwards and kick the ball over their head and into the goal,” said Bowman, adding that he has seen the feat performed many times on ESPN highlight reels and had just assumed there would be at least three or four bicycle kick attempts during each World Cup match. “The closest they’ve come was when one of the German guys sort of jumped and did a sideways kick at the ball, but that’s about it. Nobody’s even done one of those rainbow kicks. I mean, c’mon, I thought these guys were supposed to be the best soccer players in the world.” At press time, Bowman was wondering why a player who just took a free kick didn’t simply curve the ball around the wall of players and into the top corner of the goal like David Beckham.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More