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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now

SKOKIE, IL—Confused and disappointed by what he has seen thus far of the 2014 World Cup, local 27-year-old Jared Bowman told reporters Monday that he had expected far more bicycle kicks by this point in the tournament. “I’ve watched a bunch of games, and I don’t think I’ve seen a single player do that thing where they fall backwards and kick the ball over their head and into the goal,” said Bowman, adding that he has seen the feat performed many times on ESPN highlight reels and had just assumed there would be at least three or four bicycle kick attempts during each World Cup match. “The closest they’ve come was when one of the German guys sort of jumped and did a sideways kick at the ball, but that’s about it. Nobody’s even done one of those rainbow kicks. I mean, c’mon, I thought these guys were supposed to be the best soccer players in the world.” At press time, Bowman was wondering why a player who just took a free kick didn’t simply curve the ball around the wall of players and into the top corner of the goal like David Beckham.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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