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Man Wearing Low-Cut Swimsuit As Though Public Pool A Sun-Kissed Sardinian Cove

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Man Wearing Low-Cut Swimsuit As Though Public Pool A Sun-Kissed Sardinian Cove

KANSAS CITY, MO—Clad in a pair of revealing, skintight swim trunks, local man Paul Withers strode past an array of plastic lounge chairs Wednesday as though the Choteau Community Pool was a remote, sun-dappled Sardinian cove, onlookers reported. Withers, who seemingly confused the facility’s concrete walkway with a winding path down a rocky slope leading to the gleaming white sands and azure waters of the Costa Verde, then proceeded to mill around the swimming area in full view of patrons, having apparently mistaken the roughly 30 west Missourians for a group of lithe, olive-skinned European models. Witnesses later confirmed seeing Withers plunge into the heavily chlorinated deep end as if leaping from the towering cliffs of Ogliastra, surfacing amidst a floating Band-Aid and a stray foam noodle like they were a school of feeding manta rays. At press time, as the strains of Iggy Azalea and not those of a traditional tenore vocal group wafted from the PA system, Withers reportedly exited the pool, wrapped a towel around his impossibly small bathing suit, and purchased a chicken patty sandwich that may as well have been a generous plate of fresh-caught frutti di mare simmered in local vermentino.

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