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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Man Wearing Low-Cut Swimsuit As Though Public Pool A Sun-Kissed Sardinian Cove

KANSAS CITY, MO—Clad in a pair of revealing, skintight swim trunks, local man Paul Withers strode past an array of plastic lounge chairs Wednesday as though the Choteau Community Pool was a remote, sun-dappled Sardinian cove, onlookers reported. Withers, who seemingly confused the facility’s concrete walkway with a winding path down a rocky slope leading to the gleaming white sands and azure waters of the Costa Verde, then proceeded to mill around the swimming area in full view of patrons, having apparently mistaken the roughly 30 west Missourians for a group of lithe, olive-skinned European models. Witnesses later confirmed seeing Withers plunge into the heavily chlorinated deep end as if leaping from the towering cliffs of Ogliastra, surfacing amidst a floating Band-Aid and a stray foam noodle like they were a school of feeding manta rays. At press time, as the strains of Iggy Azalea and not those of a traditional tenore vocal group wafted from the PA system, Withers reportedly exited the pool, wrapped a towel around his impossibly small bathing suit, and purchased a chicken patty sandwich that may as well have been a generous plate of fresh-caught frutti di mare simmered in local vermentino.

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