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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition

ENID, OK—Longtime Fleetwood Mac fan Michael Gastin reportedly felt like a complete moron this week after walking by a retail display for the 35th anniversary remastered CD box set of the band’s celebrated 1977 album Rumours, released less than a year after he purchased the Rumours 34th anniversary edition. “Goddamn it, I can’t believe I wasted my money on the 34th anniversary reissue when I could have just waited a little longer and gotten an awesome 35th anniversary re-release,” the embarrassed fan said after observing that the deluxe 35th anniversary edition of the album features an expanded booklet with photographs, essays, and interviews about the making of Rumours not included in the commemorative booklet packaged with the 34th anniversary deluxe box set. “And look at this thing—it’s huge! It’s like twice as big as the 32nd and 33rd anniversary editions combined.” At press time, Gastin had reportedly opted to purchase the album due to its inclusion of an early jam session that purportedly sheds light on the little-documented tensions between band members Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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