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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season

CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more mucus congesting every part of his respiratory system, local man Michael Harrison told reporters this morning that he was really delighting in the winter season. “I tell you, there is nothing I like better than the feeling of phlegm pouring out of my nose and caking over my raw, exposed nostrils,” said Harrison, who added that struggling to pull air through his mucus-suffused nose and mouth was just one of the many things that made winter his favorite time of the year. “What can I say? I’m a mucus man!” At press time, an utterly delighted Harrison was wiping frozen phlegm off of his nose and lips with the back of his coarse winter glove.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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