adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season

CHICAGO—Saying that he’s always up for having more mucus congesting every part of his respiratory system, local man Michael Harrison told reporters this morning that he was really delighting in the winter season. “I tell you, there is nothing I like better than the feeling of phlegm pouring out of my nose and caking over my raw, exposed nostrils,” said Harrison, who added that struggling to pull air through his mucus-suffused nose and mouth was just one of the many things that made winter his favorite time of the year. “What can I say? I’m a mucus man!” At press time, an utterly delighted Harrison was wiping frozen phlegm off of his nose and lips with the back of his coarse winter glove.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close