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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Man Who Cut Off Seymour Hersh In Traffic Subject Of 20-Page 'New Yorker' Exposé

WASHINGTON—In an 8,000-word exposé featured in this week's issue of The New Yorker, Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author Seymour Hersh examines the life of 33-year-old Alex Phelan, a Virginia resident who on Dec. 3, 2011, cut him off while driving on the Capital Beltway. "A high-level municipal official who agreed to speak on background for this article confirmed Phelan was first licensed to drive by the Commonwealth of Virginia in March 1995 and since that time has received only three motor-vehicle citations despite being a piece-of-shit driver who clearly doesn't know when to yield the goddamn right-of-way," read an excerpt from the piece, for which Hersh spent six months interviewing Phelan's friends and family members, in addition to poring over internal documents obtained from various traffic enforcement agencies and a high school driver's ed program. "On Sept. 17 of last year Phelan went to I-Deal Autos in McLean, VA and purchased a 2007 Toyota Camry bearing the tag TRK-254 that was not three months later jerked into the right lane without so much as a signal when the asshole decided at the last fucking second to take the Georgetown Pike and almost fucking killed the driver behind him." Hersh's future projects include a book about the vice presidency of Dick Cheney and an in-depth series of articles on a disputed labor charge at a D.C.-area Jiffy Lube.

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