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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Man Who Cut Off Seymour Hersh In Traffic Subject Of 20-Page 'New Yorker' Exposé

WASHINGTON—In an 8,000-word exposé featured in this week's issue of The New Yorker, Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author Seymour Hersh examines the life of 33-year-old Alex Phelan, a Virginia resident who on Dec. 3, 2011, cut him off while driving on the Capital Beltway. "A high-level municipal official who agreed to speak on background for this article confirmed Phelan was first licensed to drive by the Commonwealth of Virginia in March 1995 and since that time has received only three motor-vehicle citations despite being a piece-of-shit driver who clearly doesn't know when to yield the goddamn right-of-way," read an excerpt from the piece, for which Hersh spent six months interviewing Phelan's friends and family members, in addition to poring over internal documents obtained from various traffic enforcement agencies and a high school driver's ed program. "On Sept. 17 of last year Phelan went to I-Deal Autos in McLean, VA and purchased a 2007 Toyota Camry bearing the tag TRK-254 that was not three months later jerked into the right lane without so much as a signal when the asshole decided at the last fucking second to take the Georgetown Pike and almost fucking killed the driver behind him." Hersh's future projects include a book about the vice presidency of Dick Cheney and an in-depth series of articles on a disputed labor charge at a D.C.-area Jiffy Lube.

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